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[ website | you either like me or you don't. ]
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i'm pretending like i'm keeping it together. [30 Mar 2005|04:11pm]
[ mood | ficlet. ]

The one upside to the divorce is that everybody in the house was so wrapped in it that they didn't seem to notice what else could be going on under the same roof. She had started to fall back into old habits. That was the thing about the disorder. It'll always be a part of you, no matter how long you go without doing it. She hadn't gotten that far without starting to slip again. Paige sighed as she found the mirror staring right back at her, not being afraid to tell the complete truth and then some. On the floor was her Spirit Squad uniform, wrinkled and worn. It might as well be her identity, since that's what most people knew her as, anyway. She was so on a mission to get Degrassi a Spirit Squad in the first place and now, to put it simply, she stopped caring. It was nothing but overdone smiles, short skirts and a hell of a lot of unnecessary weight on her shoulders. All she wanted lately was to get rid of all the weight that was keeping her from being happy.

Paige grabbed her backpack and pulled it into her lap. Her hands reached around for the bottle of stackers she had stashed in there. Another cheerleader on the Spirit Squad had reccommended them to her and within a few seconds, Paige found the little blue and yellow pills. It was still illegal for her to take them, but in a few months, it wouldn't even matter. She picked one of them out of the bottle and twisted it shut, putting it back in her hiding spot. She held it with two fingers, as if looking for some reason to not take it. There didn't seem to be one. Paige casually tossed it into her mouth and swallowed it dry. She did what she wanted instead of what she was told. All these years she was able to fool people into pretending she had everything, but they weren't looking close enough. You're not able to reach perfection so quickly and so easily. She had tried and failed.

Nobody had to give her more than a three second glance to realize she wasn't the same anymore. The back of her throat still had that burning feeling, her face was in desperate need of some color and her hair was tied back so carelessly, so un-Paige like. It was nothing that a little makeup and twenty minutes in a tanning bed couldn't fix. For everyone else but her. She had always been able to twist her way into fitting in almost anywhere she wanted to, but she felt like she lost that power a long time ago. Now she wasn't so sure where she belonged or what she wanted. Other people probably wouldn't know, either. If she wasn't Paige, the cheerleader, she might as well be nameless.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," she said under her breath as she flipped through the Spirit Squad binder full of cheers, moves, dates and phone numbers. Flipping fast through the first few pages, her finger ran down the list of names. Sinclaire, Heather. Before she had time to second-guess her actions, her fingers had already dialed the number and she heard the ringing in her ears. On the third ring, Heather finally picked up. She couldn't back out now. She probably had caller ID, anyway.

"Heather? It's Paige. How would you feel about taking the position of captain...?"

living in the mirror

i'm holding tight til i can feel alive. [24 Mar 2005|05:55pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]

When you're practically living in your bedroom, your head's bound to think of a bunch of crazy things. You always hear these stories about guys and girls being from different worlds and how one will never really understand the other. Or even the stories about soulmates. Do you only get one? And if you never find that person, is your life incomplete? It's a frustrating and frightening thought. Not to mention restricted. Lots of relationships end in pain anyway, so I'm getting to the point of thinking "why even try?" Should so-called high school relationships even be bothered with anymore? A lot of them end in less than a week, anyway. I've been pushing away a perfectly nice guy and I haven't been so nice about it, either. The thought of having a relationship right now makes me nauseous. He says he's not Sully or Spinner. Is it bad that when I heard him say that, I thought "that's the problem"? If more and more relationships and marriages are ending with the sounds I've heard these past few weeks, then I don't want that.

He came back for the rest of his things last night. The papers are in the process of being signed. It's almost complete.

4 lies - living in the mirror

my shadow so much darker than before. [19 Mar 2005|10:16am]
[ mood | ficlet. ]

The voices downstairs couldn't be drowned out by anything. Even if she blasted her music as loud as she possibly could, she'd still hear them. Not that they were yelling that loud, but she knew it was still going on. The music couldn't even be that good of a distraction because her mind would go through all the possibilities of the things they could be yelling about. At least this way, she could get an idea of what was going on. Paige had really hoped Dylan's coming home for the weekend would rise spirits slightly but everything just continued on. He invited her to the Dot to get away from the house, but she wasn't even the mood to get up and leave. Paige had been up for at least an hour and all she had done was straighten up everything in sight with the four walls of her bedroom. She just wanted everything to at least have the illusion of perfection, even though everything was falling apart. She hated not having control.

Her parents' marriage was never completely fairytale, but it was something she admired. When Paige was little and they would fight, she would always tiptoe in the room when things quieted down and asked if they were getting a divorce. Her dad would always shake his head no and smile before offering to take her out for ice cream. Paige felt like shit and she was pretty sure she looked the part. Her stomach was making quiet sounds but she didn't have the strength to go down the stairs and into the kitchen. All she really wanted was to shake her parents by the shoulders and tell them to just work it out, but that was beyond her power. Her parents weren't some ninth grader on the Spirit Squad that she could order around. Her hand reached for the doorknob of her room, twisting it slowly to open but to not make too much noise. Her head felt light upon her shoulders as she tiptoed down the hall to the bathroom, reaching her parents' bedroom. Lying on the floor, she saw an open, half-full suitcase and her father's clothes strewn about the room. As fast as she could, she turned on her heel and made her way back to her bedroom. The door slammed shut, Paige didn't care about being quiet anymore. Why was she being the careful one, trying not to let other people in the house how bad things were becoming? It should have been the other way around.

Paige was older now and things couldn't be solved by ice cream. Her parents didn't even have the decency she wanted for them to lie to her and tell her things would eventually be all right. For the first time, she allowed herself to cry about it. Before, she just beat herself up for even thinking about it. It didn't matter anymore. This was way beyond her control, so she figured she should stop trying or even think about trying. She just wanted something familiar back in her life that wouldn't fall apart in front of her. Paige reached over to her night stand, grabbing ahold of her cell phone. Without even really thinking about it, her fingers were dialing an all too familiar number. The rings seemed to last on forever, but eventually somebody picked up.

"Hello?" Sully's voice asked on the phone. Biting down on her lip to keep from crying, she just ended the call and tossed the phone onto the floor.

1 lie - living in the mirror

listening to this band means i have officially lost my mind. [14 Mar 2005|03:57pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Well, it's over. I'm not even the least bit surprised.

4 lies - living in the mirror

love and war, in heaven and in hell you get what you deserve [13 Mar 2005|08:17am]
[ mood | awake ]

I'm trying to find just one reason for why I'm up this early, but I can't seem to find one. The atmosphere in this house is enough to drive anybody crazy. The parents are fighting for whatever reason that may be. Apparently I don't deserve to know. It's not like my mom and I have been on the best terms lately, but even my dad tells me not to worry about it. Sorry, but I get worried (and annoyed) when I have to play messenger between the two of them because they're not adult enough to handle their own situation. This last weekend was pretty surprising, for a lack of a better word. I'm actually not dreading going to school just so I don't have to be at home all the time. I even went to the Dot alone the other day for a vanilla milkshake and the ability to read Teen Vogue in peace. Well, so much for that last part, of course. Carly and Heather showed up because I forgot it was Hate on Paige day. Yes, if you didn't get your last comments in, I'm afraid you're too late. I'm surprised we didn't get kicked out for all the yelling that was going on, but since the place was pretty deserted anyway, I don't think they cared all that much. Carly also said something about me needing to lose weight for the Spirit Squad. That girl really finds your weakness and isn't afraid to hurt you.

But no, that wasn't a surprise. That was quite typical and expected. You can imagine Spirit Squad practice the next day was a whole lot of fun. By the way, you know I keep track of attendance. Some of you better start showing up and learning the new routine. I'm not naming names because you know who you are. Please don't make me start auditions for new people this late in the year. No, the surprise was that after the night before, Carly and I were actually civil to each other. She said she didn't mean what she said at the Dot. Ha, okay. Not that I blame her for saying the truth to my face. It turns out that Carly has a new house and it's right on my block. I guess it's a good thing we're not complete enemies anymore.

I can already feel the glares and hear the angry silence down the stairs, therefore, I'm camping out in my room all day. Marco hasn't been around here a lot lately either, not that I can blame him. Who would want to stay in this place if they didn't have to? I hope this isn't going to last much longer, but since my parents can be quite stubborn, I'm sure we've got weeks to go.

2 lies - living in the mirror

these are secrets i cannot afford to hear. [06 Mar 2005|07:27pm]
[ mood | ficlet. ]

She was in need of a good distraction. She clutched the beige towel around herself tightly and tucked it in on the side, her reflection staring back at her in the mirror. Friday was a surprise, to say the least. Not only had she had to get used to her best friend's new relationship with her ex-boyfriend, but she accidently walked in on the two of them in the living room. Her living room. Well, theirs now, but still. It was supposed to be just her day with Marco, complete with ice cream and every Jude Law movie they could afford and find at the local video store. So much for that. After so many times of telling Marco she wanted to talk about it, she wasn't so sure what she could say. Paige tried giving the impression that she was already comfortable with it, but all of that was shot to hell the minute she walked down the stairs. If Marco was happy, then she was happy. But it really was going to take some time to get used to. She didn't want them to break-up over her. But mostly she just wanted to stop thinking about it.

Cold water splashed onto her face to try to snap herself out of it. Not only was there that, but there was also her relationship with Sully. She had no idea what situation that was in. Her mother was acting differently around her ever since she read her diary that day. Cautious, worried and judgemental. Paige stepped into the shower, hoping it would take her mind off things. 'Can't seem to please anybody this weekend,' she thought as she pulled the loofah off its' hook. School tomorrow was not helping, either. All that homework she was supposed to do was still waiting in her backpack, waiting to be completed. That was the farthest thing from her mind all weekend. Paige scrubbed harder at her back as an entire list of things she should have done or should have done differently played through her mind. She didn't work on the new move for the Spirit Squad that she was having trouble with. The paper for Kwan due this week wasn't even started. It was like everything and everyone was moving ahead, but she was stuck. There was no time for her to catch up.

She needed to grab ahold of something. To be in control of something. Anything. She continued roughly scrubbing the loofah against her back, not even noticing the pain that was going along with it. When she felt the sting, she let it fall to the bottom of the tub. Her hands reached for the handle, turning the water all the way off. Wrapping the towel around herself once again, she inspected her back in the foggy mirror. "Damn it," she muttered as she saw how red it was. Paige just wanted to lose a layer, to let everything that was bothering her go down the drain. To be clean. Smooth.


3 lies - living in the mirror

to tell the tale in my own version. [28 Feb 2005|07:00pm]
[ mood | bored out of my mind ]

Crappy winter days can make almost anybody feel down and sucky. I honestly cannot wait for spring so I can put all the sweaters and long-sleeved shirts far into the back of my closet. Looks like I'm doing my spring cleaning a little earlier this year, I thought it'd be nice to sort everything out and get a fresh start and I'm not just talking about rearranging my MAC lipglosses by colour, kids. A new journal, a new start, whatevs. Most of you think you've got a pretty good grasp on what I'm like. I think some of you do. But as for the people whose names I cannot match with their faces, they're most likely wrong. You're a cheerleader and you're popular and automatically you've got a personality stuck to you whether you like it or not. For quite some time, yeah, I was a walking and talking bitch stereotype. Let's not sit back, relax and talk about old times because I really don't have all day. People changed and yes, I am a person.

The name is Paige Michalchuk and occasionally I cheer for Degrassi and work at a crappy movie theatre at your local mall. Lots of people were surprised when they found me counting money instead of spending it, wearing brown and crappy fibers and giving people their Skittles and plastic popcorn that I will never eat again. What a shocker: I'm not actually just a pop-pom wielding fashionista with the depth of a kiddie pool. Hey, that should make the front page of the Grapevine. Most people in the school probably know more about my past relationships than I actually do, that's kind of on the sad side, don't you think? Hundreds of rumours have been stuck to me and I'm sure they're a hell of a lot more amusing and interesting than the truth is, but you never know. Now that all that un-fun stuff is out of the way, I'm a junior at Degrassi, this is my real hair color, I will admit that I probably do own more shoes than the average girl should and I hate all those pop princesses.

6 lies - living in the mirror

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